Kevin was on his honeymoon in Madeira. I’ll not go into too much detail about the holiday itself, since it was, as most holidays are, fairly ordinary. Kevin sat by the pool with his new wife, Abigail. Lounging in the ordinary sun at the spectacularly ordinary Hotel Orca Praia. A small lizard with dark black and yellow scales zipped past, stopped to give Kevin a long hard stare before lifting its front legs into the air. It seemed satisfied with this and ran on to whatever errand it had been about.
“Lizard!” Kevin shouted as he pointed to the disappearing creature.
“Yes dear. Replied Abigail as she rolled over on her sun lounger.
Kevin smiled, that was cool. He thought to himself.
That was their first encounter with the island’s cold-blooded inhabitants, but it was not to be the last. Everywhere Kevin went, there seemed to be lizards. They walked the steps from the pool to the hotel and every few seconds a rustle resulted in a hurrying lizard, although no matter how rushed they seemed, they’d always have time to pass a glance at Kevin. And in return, Kevin would always giggle and point.
“Will that ever get old?” Abigail asked as Kevin pointed to the umpteenth lizard in the space of a few minutes.
“Aw, but that’s a big one!” Kevin replied, repointing toward a black speckled lizard about the length of the beer bottle it sat on.
Abigail sighed a long-suffering sigh and they continued up to their room to get dressed for dinner. After a long time eating (and many visits to the buffet tables) Kevin and Abigail went for a waddle round the hotel. The hotel itself was built into the rock face and looked like the décor had remained the same since the 70s. Every room faced the sea and the numbers were all (rather confusingly) negative. Reception was on floor -1, this was also where the books that had been left by previous guests could be bought for more than you’d pay for them if they were brand new. The rooms could be found on floors -2 to -10, the restaurant on -9 and scattered around the place, various ways for the residence to entertain themselves: the pool table, a bridge table and for any bored teenagers - an alarm cord in each bathroom. It was definitely a hotel aimed at the older holiday maker, much like the rest of the island. Abigail liked it, it made her feel young.
As they were exploring down at the rooms, Kevin happened upon another lizard, but this one was different to all the others.
“Look, look!” he half squeaked and half whispered.
“Yes, yes. Another of your bloody lizards.” Abigail replied.
“but this one’s different. I think it’s a gecko.”
GECKO. Replied the lizard, as if to confirm the statement.
Kevin chuckled, “gecko” he said to the lizard.
GECKO. Replied the gecko. It was smaller than the palm of Kevin’s hand, looked like it was wearing army camouflage and clung to the side of the wall just below the ceiling.
Abigail got her camera out, but before it had finished opening up, the gecko was off across the hall and out of sight.
Kevin turned to Abigail, “Gecko” he said with glee.
This time, Abigail couldn’t contain her pleasure either and they both burst out laughing. She might be the sensible one, but that little creature was so cute.

The next day, Kevin and Abigail had booked themselves on a tour of the West of the island, which meant getting up early (insanely early, thought Gordon as the alarm on his mobile started going off at 7:30) giving them enough time to get up, get dressed, get the free breakfast and catch the coach waiting outside ready to take them on their journey. The coach driver looked cool, and the tour guide – a petite, tanned Madeiran woman – was far too perky for that time in the morning. Abigail had no time for perky girls – they only spoilt it for everyone else.
“Ola, my name is Jade” smiled the perky girl.
Abigail grunted a reply and moved up into the coach.
At the first stop (Camara de Lobos), Jade began telling them about the wildlife on Madeira. Kevin started paying attention when she got to lizards.
“... and of coarse, we have many lizards, although they are very shy creatures, you may hear some rustling, but you’d be very fortunate to actually see a lizard during the day.”
“We’ve seen lots” Abigail stated. She turned to Kevin for back-up.
“I find that highly unlikely” Jade snorted.
Abigail frowned at Kevin, “I, err...” he stammered in reply, but before the words could form two lizards shuffled out from the stones by the side of the path. They stood triumphantly in front of Kevin.
“There, you see” Abigail smiled.
“Well I never!” exclaimed Jade.
With their jobs done, the two little lizards raised their front feet; they looked almost as though they were scowling at Jade, and then rushed back under the stones. Jade pointed and mumbled about various parts of the harbour before leaving them to it, but not before she’d recommended they go to the bars and try a Nikita (one of the local specialities) containing the local beer, white wine and vanilla ice-cream. The rest of the trip went fairly uneventfully, they saw lots of beautiful sights, the lizard sightings got fewer the higher up they drove and by the end of the day, everyone had a slightly better idea of what went on in the West of Madeira (and was slightly drunk on the Nikita and the free wine provided at lunch).

There were no more lizards until the next day, when Kevin and Abigail decided to walk into Funchell (the island’s capital). They’d been told by some previous occupants of the Orca Praia that the walk to Funchell could be done in 45 minutes. After traipsing along the beach, over massive rocks and through small bars. Abigail looked at her watch and then at the map.
“45 minutes my arse” she said “it’s been nearly an hour and we’re only about half way.”
Kevin sighed, collapsed onto a bench and looked around the park.
“Well lets rest here for a minute and have some water.” He replied.
He got a small bottle from his rucksack and passed it to her.
“Thanks” she said, opening the bottle and taking a swig.
Passing it back, Abigail let out a short yelp and spilt water over Kevin.
“What the...” Kevin looked down at his feet just as several lizards ran from right by his feet.
“They were on your feet”
“Weird” Kevin looked down at his feet and wriggled his toes in his sandals.
“I wonder why”
“Maybe your feet smell like flies” Abigail said.
Just as she said it, one of the lizards poked his head up from the edge of the path.
“Hello” said Kevin.
The lizard raised its right foot.
“It wants to ask you a question Kevin”
“Go ahead.” Kevin said encouragingly.
The brave little lizard crawled up onto the path, raised both hands, like the other lizards had and ran up to Kevin’s feet. There, it seemed to try and bite Kevin’s big toe, before running back to where it came from.
“That’s just bizarre” Abigail whispered.
“I hardly felt a thing, but I think it was trying to eat my toe” Kevin replied, bemused.
They sat in silence, and before much longer a second lizard had done the same. And a third, and a fourth. On and on they came, sometimes three or four at a time. Eventually Abigail’s patience ran out.
“This is all lots of fun” she told him “but I still want to go to Funchell.”
And so, with all thoughts of weird goings on pushed to the back of her mind, she stood up and started off toward Funchell.
“Bye” Kevin said to the lizards as he got up to follow.
Just as he was getting up to go, a homeless guy bumped into him. When the homless guy looked at him, he started.
“You’re...” he stammered, “you’re the King of the Lizards!”