A four-letter word – by Owen Niblock

ZANE:                        I’ve got to go, I’ve got work tomorrow.

BREN:                        Work? (BEAT) That’s a four-letter word.

ZANE:                        (PAUSE)

BREN:                        I hate four letter words.

ZANE:                        What? All four-letter words?

BREN:                        Yes. Like work. (BEAT) And exam. Exam is a four-letter word.

ZANE:                        What about paid? You’ve got to like getting paid?

BREN:                        No. Paid is a four-letter word. Pay. That’s a good word. You look

forward to getting your pay, but when you get paid it just disappears on rent, food and the crate of malt whisky you ordered.

ZANE:                        You can’t dislike all four-letter words.

BREN:                        Yes I do.

ZANE:                        Beer?

BREN:                        Yeah, go on then.

ZANE:                        No. I mean. (BEAT) Oh. Hang on then.

                        (AWAY FROM BREN) Another pint of Carling and a pint of Best

please.

ZANE:                        I mean – you’ve got to like beer.

BREN:                        (SIPPING) Oh yes, goes without saying. I love beer!

ZANE:                        Well there you go then.

BREN:                        There you go then what?

ZANE:                        Beer is a four-letter word.

BREN:                        No it isn’t

ZANE:                        Yes it is, B-E-E-R. Four letters.

BREN:                        Well yes, it’s got four letters, but it’s not a four-letter word.

ZANE:                        Now I’m confused. How can it have four letters but not be a four-letter

word?

BREN:                        You’re getting mixed up with the syntactic fact that a word has four

letters, and the conceptual fact of a four-letter word. Four-letter words

are horrible by definition. A word with four letters? That’s just another

word.